Hi! My name is Carolyn Ulitsky, and I am a recovering people pleaser and recovering over giver.
As a recovering people pleaser and over giver, I learned that my boundaries were non-existent. Being the eldest child of Filipino immigrants, my job was to be the dutiful, eldest daughter. That means I sacrificed my own needs to support the needs of the family or others. People pleasing and overgiving left me feeling:
Depleted emotionally and physically,
Unsure about myself and the decisions I was making,
Resentful that no one appreciated my efforts, so I would be angry.
Everyone does it‚ people pleasing and over giving — but nobody talks about it. I want to talk about it. Yet, this concept of boundaries is tricky for me. Up until now, saying “no” was selfish, unkind, and down right bad. I made decisions based on others’ needs first.
My best example of people pleasing and over giving was when I started to build my practice as a muscle therapist. I would say “yes” to working all hours (7am til 8pm) and many times gave away sessions. So, I was working on 12–14 clients a day, seven days a week, with no lunch or break. How could I say “no” to clients that were in pain? It was my chosen career to “help” people. Yes, I built my successful business, and I was exhausted and tired at the end of the day. I had no energy left for myself. This was the ultimate sacrifice.
What I’ve realized, now that I have connected back to me and am choosing what’s right for me is:
The more vulnerable I am and the more chances I take to “speak me,” everything aligns,
Holding my boundary for me is important, not because I am needed by others, but because I need me for me first.
Let’s talk about this idea of being vulnerable and holding boundaries for yourself. Inner boundaries are being vulnerable to self. They are about creating inner boundaries, and asking yourself (through inner dialog), “Can I do this for me?” This allows you to acknowledge yourself and what you want and deserve, and acknowledges how worthy you are of these choices.
Shifting from people pleasing to vulnerable, boundary holding has not been an easy recovery, as I learned that the more I choose myself the more others are triggered in my life. Some of those individuals exited my life. That is a risk. As a recovering people pleaser, it was such a painful process to let go of those individuals without making myself wrong for choosing me. I would spend weeks beating myself up in my head, replaying my actions and words. When I exhausted the stories and really took note of the positive results to my choices, the easier it got to surrender.
What I’ve come to learn is that boundaries are the gatekeepers to our values. When you are living your values the boundaries are what allows you to navigate what is aligned with you. It’s an opportunity to build trust in yourself with an understanding of your boundaries and your values. My values are my internal guide post — connection, courage, gratitude, integrity, curiosity, playfulness — all of these lead back to honoring me. I have more energy and more time and more creativity when I honor my values through boundaries.
I am my own gatekeeper.
When I trust myself and serve as my own gatekeeper, setting boundaries becomes as series of questions:
How much do I share? I am very cautious about how much I let out and in.
How much can I trust myself to trust someone else?
This gatekeeping is about being vulnerable on my own terms. Sometimes that is about taking a risk, which allows me to share my heart with family, friends, and even clients, sharing a piece of me as they share a piece of them. Together, we go deeper, while also continuing to maintain my boundaries.
The result of being vulnerable to myself and doing the inner boundary work around my choices is that everything else seems to sort itself out.
These choices to do my own inner boundary work has shown me how powerful boundaries are. I am even changing the legacy of my family! No more pressure to be a dutiful daughter. Instead, in just the last few weeks, my daughters have shared (via text or in person) words like this:
“Thank you for raising my sisters and I to be ‘strong, independent women.’”
“I’m glad we communicate… sometimes over-communicate, but thank you.”
“I just want to say I love you and I appreciate how you allow me to be myself.”
What inner boundaries have you been ignoring?
Where have you not been trusting or honoring your needs first?
what inner boundaries have you been ignoring?
