Full disclosure: this has been the most difficult article to write.
How do you write about navigating boundaries when you discover you have none?
Now, don’t get me wrong, there are some aspects in my life where boundaries do exist… well, maybe one aspect; I have great boundaries with my clients and in my professional life. I respect my clients’ time and in turn expect them to respect mine. I have clearly defined hours of work, when I return messages, and am able to define the parameters of what I am able to give ensuring the client receives exceptional value.
Yet, my boundaries seem to stop there.
Up until now I would argue that I do have boundaries, they just aren’t clearly defined. I have resisted and revolted against firm, non-negotiable, structured boundaries in my personal life, for others and with myself. Instead, I convinced myself that my boundaries were fluid. They shifted and morphed depending on the situation. I convinced myself that this fluid state allows me to take responsibility for how much I am able to take on in relationships.
This is bullshit. It’s all bullshit.
How can you have boundaries when you are a chronic people-pleaser?
How can you have boundaries when you fear disappointing and losing the people closest to you?
I was today-years-old when I listened, truly listened, for the first time. Listened to what my body has been screaming at me for a very long time.
I’ve been ignoring everything my body was trying to tell me because it was too painful. Physically painful for all the illness, auto-immune issues, rashes, weight loss and gain, injuries… the list of ways my body has failed me seems to be never-ending.
Yet, today, when I was brave enough to tune in and truly listen, without judgement, I leaned in and heard: “I haven’t failed you. I’ve been trying to get your attention.”
In his book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life, Henry Cloud defines boundaries as follows:
“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom. Taking responsibility for my life opens up many different options. Boundaries help us keep the good in and the bad out. Setting boundaries inevitably involves taking responsibility for your choices. You are the one who makes them. You are the one who must live with their consequences. And you are the one who may be keeping yourself from making the choices you could be happy with. We must own our own thoughts and clarify distorted thinking.”
Without having clear, defined, rigid boundaries I thought I was being loving, serving others fully, putting them before myself and living with a God-like heart. I’m learning this is false and has resulted in being taken advantage of, being a doormat and enduring abusive relationships.
I didn’t know the part about boundaries that help keep the good in and the bad out. I wish I knew and understood that part. Having these boundaries would have helped me avoid a lot of hardship, a lot of hurt, pain, trauma, and maybe saved a few relationships.
While having these so-called fluid boundaries, I thought it was acceptable to be mistreated. And thoughts that went something like this would roll through me constantly: “Oh, it’s not that bad… he’s just having a bad day… he must have forgotten… he didn’t mean to say that my birthday isn’t that important… I need to be more giving, more gracious, more forgiving… I should call him more… ”
I would accept all that would come to me, all that was done to me, accept it all, until I couldn’t any longer. I would explode!
Yelling. Screaming. Crying. Walls, thick, thick walls are built. No cracks. No chance of them coming down. No resolution. Done. I’d be done.
If I had just listened. Not to these thoughts, but to me. Tuned in and listened and trusted the wisdom of my body, I would have known. I am being mistreated.
Year after year, abusive relationship after abusive relationship my body got louder. Symptoms severe, no longer only felt internally but noticeable on the outside; yet, I still didn’t listen. I didn’t connect it. The symptoms of my body would appear way before I would be done and walk away from the relationship, and I would just blame it on myself.
Part of the blame is acceptable and true because living without boundaries means I don’t have a clear definition of who I am. It means I am unable to take full responsibility for my life because everything is a result of someone else’s actions, being done to me, versus me taking control. But that is only part of the story. I cannot and will not take the responsibility for the other persons’ actions or behaviours. I’m learning they are not my fault.
How do I navigate boundaries? I have no idea.
Up until now, I haven’t.
But that can change, and it starts with setting boundaries with myself.
Boundaries that protect my identity.
My health.
My energy.
My safety.
I don’t have a map. This is uncharted territory. I don’t know exactly how it will go, or what it will look like.
I do know that in setting and enforcing boundaries, I get to live aligned with my worth. Because
I am worthy.
I am worthy of having boundaries.
I am worthy of holding boundaries.
I am worthy of expecting people to respect my boundaries.
I am worthy to create consequences for those who disrespect my boundaries.
I am worthy.
I just have to listen.
boundaries define us.
