Uncertainty evokes fear.
I have often wondered and doubted whether I’d be in another relationship and be in love ever again. Being twice divorced, in my mid 50’s with adult children… how do you start, again?
January 10, 2020, I decided I needed a relationship/love coach to get a better understanding of my patterns and beliefs with my relationships. I wanted to know about insecurities and doubts. I really asked for extra support for each module of my coach’s course and a few extra calls to get to the core of my blind spots to intentionally, consciously make different choices.
I’ll be honest, it was not easy to face myself, my previous choices, discovering the patterns I was familiar with and how that had played out in my decisions to date and marry the men in my life.
The inner work, reflection exercises and homework assignments were the tools I needed to build new patterns of self love, self respect, self healing in relationship to myself and then with others. Once that groundwork was excavated and new beliefs laid, giving and receiving love from myself to myself was the next step.
I came to realize that I’m great at giving. I did not allow myself to receive. I could not take it in with any comfort. The simple acts of taking myself out to dinner, buying myself flowers, to a simple receiving of a compliment without deflecting it. I struggled.
Then came the practice of empowered flirting. WHAT the FUCK?! Communication, verbal and nonverbal, with men. YIKES! Moving through those chapters was intense and then it was time to put all the new stuff I had learned with my coach to the test via online dating in the middle of a pandemic.
Online dating was a new concept as I had always dated and met people the old fashioned way, meeting people at social events or activities. I will say that online dating scared the SHIT out of me, and I cried once I put my profile on a popular dating site because I did not know what to do with the interest that was coming in from my profile.
My coach had to walk me through the art of scheduling time, making sure my energy and mind were in the best place, and how I could gracefully thank someone for their interest and keep swiping. This was a great way to gain confidence and communication with men.
For those that are curious, yes, I did find a match on the app. It was short lived and full of richness. I learned even more about myself and the embodiment of self love, self respect, self certainty, and really honoring my feminine
self. I did slip into my old habit of over-giver, people pleasing. I quickly realized the imbalance and corrected it. Gratefully, and with the assistance of my relationship coach and two trusted male friends, I was able to navigate the uncertainty and fears I was challenged with upon returning to the dating scene.
As I took time to pull the golden nuggets out of that experience and integrate the new parts of me, I shifted my outlook of my life. That uncertainty and fear provided me with magic and joy through a wedding I had the honor of officiating.
Preparing to officiate a wedding proved to be an incredible experience as I wrote the couple’s ceremony and wove in their story. I realized it was paralleling my own story and journey of a new relationship and navigating uncertainty and fear.
I realized that starting a new relationship really begins with having the courage to communicate and take the risk to follow my heart — the subtle nudges my heart gave me to act.
My new relationship story begins with being blessed with friends who wanted to connect me with someone they knew and cared about. It was a simple question of am I open to meeting a friend of theirs. I said I was open. I had already begun to re-write my online profile with the intention of putting myself out there. With all of my learning, I was more clear what I desired in a long-term relationship.
As I prepared to possibly meet someone online, my dear friends surprised me with an invitation to an impromptu dinner at my favorite Italian restaurant, and they invited their friend, Bill. This was a casual meeting. He joined us for dessert and it was easy. My friends checked in and knew we both thought the other was nice. Our friends exchanged our contact information.
Well, life kept moving forward. I never heard from Bill. A few weeks later I was headed to my friend’s home in Prescott. I got the inkling to ask if it would be ok to drop Bill a text for coffee. It was nerve racking to send that text — feeling the uncertainty and fear of whether I would receive a response.
I quickly put the phone down after sending. I didn’t want to see if he responded or not. I was pleasantly surprised by a response two minutes later.
It is here where our journey begins of building trust, having the courage to communicate clearly, and taking the risk to answer the call my heart nudged me to take. I will share highlights to illustrate that the growth of self trust and self respect leads to greater vulnerability/intimacy. When I surrendered to the uncertainty and allowed myself to walk through the fear, the next steps of greater growth individually and as a couple begin to take root.
It takes courage to be present, communicate and connect.
We had a wonderful time connecting and sharing and getting a better understanding of each other.
It would be eight days later that Bill worked up the courage to ask me out for dinner.
My schedule was full that day; I had a client session later. I was excited to receive the invitation, and I had the presence of mind to say no gracefully and offer an alternative. First honoring myself and my schedule and keeping the door open.
Our first dinner out was set for that Saturday, April 3, 2021. It was a wonderful evening that extended to four hours. Many questions, many moments of sharing myself. For example, I was fearful of the question you are reading right now, what’s your favorite book? I was reading four different kinds of books, and I knew it would reveal more about myself. Yet, there was more curiosity on Bill’s part than the fear of judgment I was making up in my head. It felt wonderful to share and not hold back.
Our interactions continued via text once a week and dinner with our friends or heading to the local ice cream or gelato shop. We enjoyed conversations on many different topics, and laughing with each other. It was time to share deeper parts of myself that most people don’t appreciate. I took a chance to share with Bill one night while eating gelato.
Without saying names or personal information, I shared how lately there had been an increase in what was showing up with my clients. As an intuitive, I often receive messages and at times client’s guides and ancestors will show up as well. I was really fearful and uncertain how Bill would react to those incredible sessions with my clients. He surprised me with his enthusiasm and desire to know more.
My experience of sharing these different parts of me has not always been met with that level of acceptance and enthusiasm.
Wouldn’t you know it, the next day during my client sessions, more of my intuitive knowing showed up and I met myself and what I do for the first time on a very visceral level. I always understood logically, with my mind, what I offered my clients and the next day after revealing more of myself in this new relationship,
I saw myself.
I had trouble containing myself the entire day. I wanted to cry. I actually cried with my clients. I was feeling on a deep level that day, and I had nowhere to process and integrate these new feelings before my date that evening.
This next date with Bill offered the opportunity to ask for what I needed. Once again, the uncertainty and fear of asking someone for what I needed, when I was still in the getting-to-know-you phase, presented itself. When Bill arrived to pick me up for dinner, I took a deep breath, answered the door. Bill asked if I was ready and I said, “No.” I said I needed a favor and asked him to step into the house. I asked for a hug, and when he said “yes,” he could give me a hug, I stepped into the embrace and all I could do was cry.
I explained that our conversation the night before allowed for more insight to be available and explained my morning session. He gently pulled me away and said, “What a big responsibility.”
I started crying and shaking. So much was moving through me and he gently and firmly held me and the space so that I could allow myself to surrender, feel, and let my feelings flow.
As I tell this story, I realize that in this new relationship, I finally wasn’t in any rush and had no expectations of where all this was going. I was beautifully guided to commit to what is present in the NOW.
Bill and I were building trust and creating a friendship. It would be weeks (nine weeks, actually) before Bill kissed me. He gently held my face in his hands and tenderly kissed my lips. He apologized for the delay. I was pleasantly surprised — I had been preparing to lean in and give him a hug as I did each time he walked me to my front door after each outing.
Our friendship continues to this day and has led to a deeper connection and intimacy as we courageously share the parts of ourselves that others may not have understood before now and often caused them to push us away.
What I’m learning in this new relationship is that without uncertainty there is no magic and there is no joy.
We gracefully and compassionately are being present for each other, encouraging our individual uniqueness and deepening our self trust, self certainty, and self love and extending it to each other.
Yes, I am excited to announce that we are officially a couple. Feeling more confident navigating uncertainty and fear knowing that it deepens my connection to myself and with Bill. I leave you with two simple questions to support you in navigating fear and uncertainty:
What uncertainty is creating fear for you at this moment?
What is your heart’s call to action at this moment to step into and through the fear?
it takes courage to be present and connect.
