One moment changed everything. We had just completed a move across the country and were two months into living in a new house. The house was huge, way bigger than we needed, even for a family of six. It sat on top of a hill with a beautiful view of the scenic bay. On a clear day, you could see the beauty of Mt. Rainier, a large active stratovolcano in the Cascade Range of the Pacific Northwest about 60 miles southeast of Seattle. Life was good, but something was missing.
You ever have that feeling that something is off, but you just can’t put your finger on it? It’s like when someone asks how you are doing you smile and say great because you can’t complain, but really there are no words for how you are actually feeling. Yeah, that was me.
That night it all became clear. As I sat in stillness, resting my arms on the side of this yellow loungelike executive chair, I closed my eyes, l leaned my head back, and began to drop into my body. Then it happened. I took a huge inhale and an overwhelming feeling erupted from my belly and landed in my chest. It only seemed natural to place my hands on my heart. It was as if my heart had something to say, and my hands became ears.
“I feel limited,” my heart whispered. As I explored the feeling it all started to flow. “I feel limited being a military spouse, limited being a black man, limited having to rebuild my business over and over due to multiple relocations for my wife’s career. I feel limited in my connection to the community, limited in my resources, and limited in my ability to create an impact.” At this point I’m a hot mess and tears are running down my face. Yes ladies, men can feel like a hot mess too, but then again I can only speak for myself.
Something you pick up about me from the moment you meet me is that I am a natural positive thinker with a great attitude. But I couldn’t think my way through this. I had to feel my way through. For the last several years I have been making the most out of situations out of my control, knowing that there was an opportunity in everything. I’ve read a lot of books, attended countless personal growth conferences, but here in this moment it was as if I was asking myself “how do I feel about it” instead of “what do I think about it,” or the go-to “what are you going to do about it?”
I got really curious about this feeling and decided not to judge it right or wrong, positive or negative, true or false, just to witness it and feel what I was feeling.
“Where do you feel limited”?
I felt, no, l listened.
“What do you desire?”
I listened, I felt.
I desired to be limitless. At that moment I felt a spark ignite within me and I got curious. I sat up taller, my entire being shifted. “Ok, Fidel, if you were limitless what would you do?”
If I was limitless, I would travel more, go on a trip of the month actually. I would lead retreats, be a motivational speaker, I would play more, money would chase me instead of me chasing it, success would be easy, and so on.
I didn’t shut down any of the desires, even though they were not practical and seemed improbable. I just received the desire.
“Fidel, what is a step you can take toward these desires?”
This became a daily thought. I started taking baby action steps and sharing these aspirations with others. The more I talked, the more expansive the feeling of achieving became possible. By the end of the week, a client booked me for a retreat across the country. I left rainy Seattle and got a taste of sunny Florida, Next thing you know I’m in New Mexico, California and Wisconsin. By the end of the year I ended up going on a trip of the month, supported multiple retreats, became a motivational speaker, and created a location-independent business that allowed me to coach clients around the country. The best part about it was that I got to demonstrate to my kids and clients what is possible when you live bodymind connected and lean into your desires.
You see, I thought that life circumstances needed to change in order to live the life that you desire, when the truth is you can live the life you desired with the life that you have. Nothing has to change. I was still a military spouse, had the same responsibility, the same family, the same stressors, and life circumstances, but the difference is I was receiving the desires of my heart. Is this what balance looks like? Hmm.
Let’s fast forward. My kids are a little older now and we’ve moved four more times, including a cross country move, and we are a year post me solo-parenting for a year while my wife was stationed overseas. In the past these circumstances would have triggered my LIMITEDness, but instead, it activated more LIMITLESSness. Fiercely trusting my intuition and feeling my way forward has been the secret to creating sustainable success.
What might be possible if success wasn’t something to push for or sacrifice? What if you didn’t have to choose between being a success at work and having a successful home life?
If you have a desire for something, that means it’s possible, but you have to listen to it. Surrender to the desire and start with one step. If you were limitless what would you do? What would be your first step? Go and find out how limitless you actually are and show the world what is possible when you feel your way forward.
James Allen, and old school philosopher, wrote a book in 1903 called As a Man Thinketh. He said, “Men do not attract that which they want, but that which they are.” So, everything you want you’ll find it inside of you my friend.
Power of Presence
I almost missed the one moment that would change my life for ever. As I walked down the steps heading to my office, my daughter Magnolia was sitting alone four steps away from the bottom. I could hear feet thumping and the sounds of 4 kids playing. On my way down the stairs, without thought, I asked “Magnolia, what’s wrong?” “Nothing,” she replied. I took her word for it. I had the briefcase in hand, a mind racing with ideas I wanted to implement, and I was eager to get to work.
You see, all day I was with the kids. Well, it’s been a couple of months since mamma went overseas on military orders… so I was always with the kids. I was behind on work and I carefully planned the day so I could have the evening to finally get some work done. It was because of my crafty planning I felt like I was crushing it as a dad that day. I wasn’t mentally distracted with work, I made homemade oatmeal for breakfast and even made plantains, my specialty. We had a good day and to top it off I coordinated one of their friends to come over to play. Any parent knows that something magical happens when other kids come over to play and they entertain themselves. I was a genius — I laid out snacks, games, and movies — but I couldn’t plan for this defining moment.
“Okay,” I said. “Let me know if you need anything.” I made it to the bottom of the step and now I’m just four feet away from my office door, but I could feel it in my heart that something was wrong.
Do I ignore the feeling? After all, she did say that she was okay, or do I act on what I’m feeling and put off my work? At this point, I only had about 90 minutes of uninterrupted time before we pack up and head out the door to go roller skating.
I put my belongings down in my office and then sat down in the chair and I said, “Magnolia, come here, sweetie.” She stood in front of me and I dropped down a little bit lower to the ground so we were about eye level. “What’s wrong?”
Magnolia has this pretty light brown golden skin and beautiful dark brown eyes that make your heart melt. She can ask anybody for anything and get away with it as she just has this innocence to her. She picks her head up and she looks at me and she says it, “I feel invisible.”
Over the years, I’ve learned how to freak out in my own head and not let it show on my face. In other words: pause, take a breath, and feel into how I should respond. I didn’t even have that kind of vocabulary at seven. As I stared into Magnolia’s eyes I could hear the voices of what I would have been told if I said that as a kid. “You’re too young to feel invisible. No, you’re not. It’s okay. Just go and play. Brush it off. That’s nonsense.” I heard all those voices in my head, realizing that there were some beliefs or something that was still in me that I’ve heard as I was a kid. I chose to breathe and just get curious.
“Tell me more about that.” Uh-huh. “Okay, I understand that you feel that way.” We talked some more and I was able to get to the root of what was really going on. It turned out that there was just a misunderstanding with her siblings and her friend. I provided some perspective and came up with a solution.
Shortly after we had that first conversation, I realized I had almost missed that moment.
That moment when I knew something was wrong but I felt that urge to go work — that urge to go build my business — because a good man does what a good man is supposed to do and must provide for his family. It made me wonder, how many defining moments have I missed in the pursuit of success? I almost missed this precious moment with my daughter. And that’s when it hit me.
What does it mean to provide?
I thought that in order to be successful, I had to be a provider.
I thought success was measured by the size of my bank account and accomplishments. Success was measured by my efforts, work and my doing. And so the harder I work the more results I get, the more successful I become, then the more present I will be. I realized that success had nothing to do with what I do. But success has everything to do with who I get to be. Success has to do with my presence.
In that moment with my daughter, I got to provide perspective. Provide patience. Provide understanding. I got to provide comfort and encouragement. I got to provide an example of what it means to be present.
Later at my desk, these realizations made me feel like I had just gained the world. While looking over the things I needed to do I realized that I actually didn’t need to do them. It was busywork. Instead I shifted into my new mindset and became who I needed to be for my clients and the presence I wanted to bring. That week I brought in more business than I did all month.
