Is this going to be like every other time when I silence the voice inside telling me what I should do next? Or is this the moment I surrender to it, that I listen and obey?
Do you ever feel like you have to tone it down and keep it together? That if you really said what you were thinking, if you actually did the thing you really wanted to do, that if you allowed yourself to express and embrace all of who you are “unleashed and unhinged,” would it be okay?
It’s scary, right? It is down right vulnerable to put yourself out there.
You know when you have an idea to do something, but it seems a little radical? You’re not quite sure if it’s okay and people would think you’re crazy, but it’s something that when you think about doing it, it lights you up inside. It’s so crazy that you keep it to yourself, maybe you throw it out there as an idea just to test the waters, but not doing it eats at you.
You know what I’m talking about. That’s exactly where I was at for years as I had buried dreams, ideas, and emotions.
I’ve learned over the years that vulnerability leads to freedom.
I had a vision eight years ago that I was naked in a garden with only a fig leaf to cover my goods. You know, like the Adam and Eve story — they were once wild, naked, and free, but one day they felt shame, tried to hide from God, and they covered themselves with fig leaves. But in my vision I only have one leaf.
It was clear that this vision was a metaphor for how I was living my life. I’d been hiding behind a “leaf,” keeping parts of me hidden in fear of what people might think if they saw the real me. Hiding the real me, along with my hurt and my pain. Covering up my insecurities along with my desires and dreams. I was so angry at this vision because I realized I was trying to be who the world was telling me I should be, and as much as I wanted to be myself I had no idea who that even was. I made a decision at that moment that I was going to remove the leaf from my life…. and I wasn’t going to put it back. I was going to embrace the uncomfortable and boy was it awkward.
In this same vision, I was awkwardly walking through a crowd gaining even more attention to myself. I was cold, shivering, and cowering over with my hand covering the parts of me that the world says I shouldn’t expose because it’s wrong.
Are you reading between the lines?
So there I was, the only one walking around naked while everyone else was covered.
Crazy vision right? But this is what happened next. Over time I felt more comfortable being uncomfortable. I was able to stand taller with my hands by my side. I even found a bounce in my step. Some stared, some laughed, and some paid me no mind. So I thought, maybe there is nothing to be ashamed of. Just when I was finding my groove, someone ran up to me pointing at the parts of me I once covered and yelling, ‘I knew it! I knew you looked like this! I knew you were this way.’ (This is the edited version).
I looked at where he was pointing and for the first time I realized that everything he was yelling was true. In that moment I accepted myself and said, ‘You are right. I do look like this, I am this way.’
THIS IS ME. It’s true, these are my insecurities; these are my fears, my scars, my pain — and I don’t have to hide them. To hide them is to deny them, and to deny them is to deny myself. I choose all of me.
The same person who pointed then looked me in the eyes and said, ‘Me too.’ They accepted me, and I accepted them. We walked through the crowd naked and unashamed. Others joined too.
When you accept all of you, who you are gives others the privilege of doing the same, accepting you and accepting themselves.
You want to be free? Well, are you willing to be vulnerable? Are you willing to surrender to yourself and all the parts of yourself that say you need to keep it together?
This was my battle cry for freedom. To stop fighting against parts of myself and start living for the parts of myself that make me who I am. Freedom. It’s not just a feeling, it’s a lifestyle and a willingness to surrender to everything you are. Not being less than, or more than, but all that you are every day!
This mindset, or body-mind practice, is at the core of my work today and how I show up in the world. My personal freedom journey sparked what I now call ”let it be messy.” It’s an experience where people get to embody what it is truly like to get out of their heads and into their bodies, and to free themselves from the limitations of what life is supposed to be and just live and thrive in what it is!
Being all of who you are can be messy.
Is it scary? Yes! Is it vulnerable? Absolutely! It it worth it? Every single time!
And after a while it’s not so scary.
You’ll never know how free you can be until you make freedom your only option.
