I have a picture in my mind of women lying awake at night replaying events of their life over and over, like a broken VHS tape that won’t stop. These women are thinking about a comment on Facebook, a snide remark from their mother-in-law, or a boss that made them feel miserable.
They torture themselves with these thoughts on replay, unable to quiet their thoughts with no tools to silence them; no training on how to talk to themselves. I know this is happening because I’m that woman, one of these women who has spent hours thinking about what others will think.
In truth, I’ve spent a lifetime.
I worry what the neighbors will think of me when my dog gets out or my toddler escapes naked down the street. I ruminate for hours over a conversation I’ve had with one of my three brothers. Their words can bring me to tears for days, unable to think of much else besides our conversation that sits like a weight on my knotted chest.
I was never taught how to talk to myself and to quiet the voices in my head.
One can get on through life like this, but only until bigger events come into play like marriage and kids or a personal business endeavor. When you can’t sort out your thoughts, to decide which ones to keep and which ones to toss, it can all become too much.
My inability to communicate internally started to affect those around me — mainly my spouse. You can never hide how you’re feeling inside to anyone, not a telemarketer, not a Starbucks barista, no one. Everyone feels it; everyone sees it.
Your insides come spilling out in the form of yelling, snide comments, or an inability to see another person’s perspective. My husband and I were feeling it; we screamed, we said horrible things, and I lied awake at night.
From yoga to marriage counseling, date nights to meditation and mantras, we tried it all. All fixes worked temporarily, and all had their place. However, internally I was still swirling, my thoughts like that broken VHS playing into the night. I wasn’t free.
Through several serendipitous events, BodyMind Coaching crept into my life. A shift… a freedom inside started to wiggle loose. Slowly, those painful thoughts and conversations on repeat began to soften, and when they did creep up, I knew to expect them. Instead of meeting them with disdain and hate, I wrapped them in love.
It was a weird concept to wrap a painful thought in love and ask myself, “What is the gift in this?” This is a common coaching question asked by Laura Wieck, the founder of BodyMind Coaching. As a result, these ways of thinking and speaking are common, celebrated, and shared. It was as if I had landed in a place I never knew I always wanted. It felt like home. I was learning how to rewire my thoughts and find my internal freedom.
As a kid, I was taught how to present myself, look an adult in the eye, and how and where to stand. I was taught how to talk to a boss, how to interview well, how to sell, and how to smile. My community even taught me how to talk to God! But never did anyone teach me how to talk to myself — and it’s about time I learned.
Guess what happened when I did my “work?”
When I stepped into and received coaching and started to find tools, real actionable tools began to help me break out of my comfort zone and make different choices. It happened slowly at first, then quickly my spouse followed my lead. The anger softened, and the pain and stress we both felt began to melt away. In its place, we found a new way of being — a softer, more understanding way to be together.
At nearly 40 years of age,10+ years into a marriage with three kids, a mortgage, and a dog, I was finally learning how to talk to myself, and I was starting to taste freedom from within.
Until now, I hadn’t credited my coaches with this transformation… and THAT is the brilliance of coaching. The client, not the coach, gets all the credit (and rightfully so). I did the work and I showed up for myself, for that child inside of me that never learned how to quiet the voices, the fear, and the judgment.
And I was set free.
Today I have the privilege of doing what my coaches did for me, and I help others learn to talk differently to themselves, to find a softening within. Freedom means different things to everyone — from leaving a relationship that isn’t working to having a tough conversation with a boss. It might mean at age 50 changing careers and finally stepping into your life’s work, as scary as that can be.
No matter where you are on your journey, I hope you find your way, your taste of freedom.
I hope that when you go to bed, you can close your eyes and fall asleep quickly, wrapping each judgment for yourself in love and speaking with kindness to the amazing human being that you are.
