The person I thought I could be, I can no longer become.
The friend I thought would always be there is gone.
Even when surrounded by others it feels like I’m the only one.
I smile as if everything is okay, hoping that they can’t see it in my eyes.
But the more I do, the more I realize that there is something eating me up on the inside.
I just need to keep it together and take another breath, or maybe drink another glass of wine.
They say if you have a wound it will heal if you give it enough time.
But why do things seem to be getting worse?
I’m doing my best to keep it together, but I’m a ticking time bomb that one day soon will burst.
I don’t want to harm anyone, and the truth is I’m ashamed.
Although I love you I’m going to withdraw because when I’m around you all I feel is blame.
I’m far from the person I know I can be, and I’m not who I was.
Yeah, I know it’s lame. I’m lost… no I’m disconnected…
well, I don’t actually know.
I feel it in the pit of my stomach rising up.
My chest gets so tight that it becomes hard to breathe and then it clogs my throat.
I try to use all the tools I know to get grounded,
But I can’t seem to shake the feeling that I’m drowning.
“What’s wrong?” I’ll ask again.
If I actually knew I would tell you. Okay, I’m broken,
something is wrong with me.
Look at me, I’m talking to myself. I’m going crazy.
“You’re not crazy. It’s just that you’ve been stuck in your head
asking the wrong questions,
And now you’re finally listening… to me… your heart.”
That feeling you get in the pit of your stomach is a mixture of all the feelings you’ve shoved deep. You can’t breathe at times because you’re drowning in all the emotions and haven’t found your voice to express them.
Now that you are listening and I have your attention…
You are grieving!
You’ve been afraid to feel it because it makes you feel out of control.
You’re afraid of what others might think if they see you fall apart.
You are afraid that you might not be who you think you are,
And you’re not quite sure what will happen next.
You think that if you grieve it means you’re weak, but grieving is what makes you strong.
Your pain will soon become fuel for passion.
You don’t have to get over anything,
But the deeper you feel everything the more you will grow through it.
You see, you don’t know who you are until you’ve grieved.
The person you are trying so hard not to be,
Because you don’t think that’s who you are,
Is the person you’ve always been,
but you haven’t given yourself permission to be.
Ok heart, I feel you loud and clear!
I’m going to feel everything and redefine what it means to grieve!
Sometimes I feel like a failure, so what I’m hearing is that I need to feel it, to release it.
Whether I release the failure or grieve my failures,
I’ll receive something greater…
The life I thought I would have, and the place I thought I would be right now…
I’m going to grieve it.
“Yes, that’s it! You can’t receive the life you already have until you release the one you don’t.”
You’ll find in the end that you’ll get the life you desire, the life you choose,
But it doesn’t come together until everything falls apart.
So let yourself fall apart and find out who you are and what you are capable of.
Also, your loved ones who you miss.
Know that you never lose anyone,
because they become a part of you.
To grieve them is to honor them.
Grieve them deeply because you will never forget.
No avoidance.
Only full acceptance.
It does not change you.
It reveals you!
* this poem was written for the person out there who hasn’t found the words yet. You will!
