Here I am again, living in the space of uncertainty.
Not the good kind of uncertainty that is exciting and full of hope, but the dreaded kind. The uncertainty that results from a shattered existence.
I catch myself in an old pattern of attempting to control everything while I am in this place of uncertainty, fearful that if I allow myself to sit in it, I won’t survive. Yet, the more I try to control, the more my body is plagued by fear until the moment when my fight and flight response has exhausted its limits and I am paralyzed.
I’ve allowed fear to run the show.
Fear of what is going to happen.
Fear of what others think.
Fear of disappointing others.
Fear that I have failed.
Fear of breaking promises, no matter what the cost.
Each time I allow fear to lead I feel like I lose a little piece of myself. I become hyper-vigilant about controlling the external to eliminate any uncertainty and attempt to be completely self-reliant over any fear. My human flesh trying to lead out of habit. I have been here before, and this way of responding to situations of uncertainty doesn’t work.
I arrive at a crossroad, having to choose to follow the path of uncertainty with fear as my guide, or navigating a new path where I put my trust in God and allow my faith to be my compass.
Although my current situation is different, I have been here before. It was during a time when life was falling apart and I chose to align with God and trust in His promises. This was a decision that was not natural for me but completely foreign… and, if I’m being honest, it wasn’t a decision at all, but a complete surrender, throwing my hands up in the air, exhausting all other options.
For the first time I prayed.
Help. I don’t know what to do.
There were no magical answers. Nothing on the external changed. Yet, there was this washing of peace that came over me. A deep breath filled my lungs, and, in the exhale, I was able to release.
I noticed my body in a new way. Experiencing all the sensations without being paralyzed, I was able to feel the fear.
With each breath the sensations of fear gently released and I felt supported.
I’ve learned that “fear not” is in the Bible 365 times, once for each and every day. I find this comforting because I often catch myself living and making decisions out of fear. Trying to break the habit of being self-reliant to control the uncertainty.
“For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” 2 Timothy 1:7
As I write this I am stepping forward into another chapter of uncertainty in which the voice of fear has been deafening, and all I can do is remember.
Remember to be aligned and surrender to God.
Remember that I have walked the path of uncertainty before and not only survived but became stronger.
Remember that:
“They say it only takes a little faith
To move a mountain
Well good thing
A little faith is all I have, right now.
But God, when You choose
To leave mountains unmovable
Oh give me the strength to be able to sing
It is well with my soul.
I know You’re able and
I know You can
Save through the fire with
Your mighty hand,
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone.
I know the sorrow and
I know the hurt
Would all go away if
You’d just say the word,
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone.”
“Even If” by MercyME
each time I allow fear to lead I lose a little piece of myself.
