Self-care never did me any good, in fact it never seemed to last — it created more work, more stress on my relationships, it constantly left me feeling guilty, and made it seem impossible to create any form of consistency. That is up until I learned that I was doing self-care wrong.
It was never taught to me. Growing up there was no man and no father to sit me down and talk about my feelings — what to do with them, how not to burn out, or the importance of self-care. For sure it was never modeled to me. It’s not their fault, they were never taught either.
I was taught man-care.
Man-care is doing whatever it takes to be successful to provide and take care of your family. It’s every man for himself, so you suck it up and get the job done. While perhaps seen as “noble,” the nature of that mindset and hustle results in lacking presence at home, in relationships, and in our bodies.
I was raised in Jamaican culture. The men are gone all day “providing” and their form of self-care was doing nothing after a long day which in most cases meant disconnecting. When most people disconnect they disconnect from the world around them, as well as their body, their feelings, and the world within them. True self-care is about reconnecting, and we’ll get to that in a moment.
My situation was a little different. There wasn’t a man to model or demonstrate what it meant to provide or be a man. My mom raised four of us, worked third shifts as a nurse so she could work while we were sleeping,
and worked other jobs over the years while we were in school. She not only took care of me and my siblings, but she took care of all our family in Jamaica. As a boy, I would come downstairs in the morning to a hot meal, usually oatmeal to fill my tummy for the day. Every night we had a good Jamaican dinner, said prayers before bed and joked around. She did whatever it took, always had a smile on her face, and is my hero to this day. But I watched her self-sacrifice her needs so that she could take care of everyone ese.
I learned early on as a kid that hustle and sacrifice were how you get ahead. That you take care of yourself only after you “got the job done.” So I got my first job at age 11 where I worked long hours during the summer with my uncle. In high school I had three jobs, and explored several business opportunities on the side. At the age of 20 I was managing a restaurant. By 24 I was married and was on the corporate America fast-track.
I was really on the fast track to burn out, but I didn’t know it until my world turned upside down. It wasn’t until after multiple military locations and multiple children when I realized I had no idea how to destress. Just having a positive attitude and trying not to focus on the negative was no longer a solution. Who knew that my body was storing up all the unprocessed thoughts, feelings, and experiences.
I was miserable, I felt this burden of responsibility for not being able to provide, my shoulders and back started to ache like never before.
I wouldn’t admit how bad I was feeling, I didn’t have the words.
Instead I’d say, ‘“It’s okay, I just had a hard day, I need time.”
No, it wasn’t okay and I didn’t need more time. What I needed was to get real about how I was feeling. I was so disappointed. The life I thought I was going to live was no longer in my grasp, and pain in my body was this reminder that I couldn’t have it.
The reality is that I wasn’t living in alignment. I can only speak to this now because in the first part of creating a new career I went on to become a massage therapist, a yoga instructor, and BodyMind Coach. Through this journey of self-care I learned to come into alignment internally and externally more each day.
As soon as the dreaded 3-minute conversation that I had been waiting to have for years was over, all of those anxious feelings turned into excitement!
There are huge misconceptions about self-care. One of them that keeps good people feeling guilty is a limiting belief that taking time for yourself equatesto taking time away from others. And when you are heart-centered you don’t want to take time away from anyone.
Self-care is rarely convenient and generally messy. As a man, I have to allow myself to feel the guilt of hurting someone’s feelings, honoring a boundary, disappointing someone, but not letting that guilt stop me from doing what I know in my heart I need to do. This process is what makes it loving. I love you enough to tell you the truth. I love me enough to live my truth and be truthful with myself.
Self-care is taking a stand for yourself and to yourself. It’s treating yourself the way you want others to treat you, taking actions that are in alignment with your heart and desires, and honoring your feelings without judgment. I’ve had so many conversations when I’ve said, “but this is how I feel, right, wrong or different, I feel this way.” Honoring this truth is self-care.
Self-care is usually talked about as if it’s something you do, but what I’ve learned is that it goes way beyond something that you “do” for yourself, and has everything to do with who you get to “be” for yourself. It’s true that you are better able to take care of others when you are taking care of yourself, but self-care is about who you get to be. Doing what makes you come alive ignites your spark.
Make sure you are nurturing that spark of yours because when you ignite you light up the world!
