Redefining Healing

The irony being that the foundation of what I teach is rooted in embodiment. 

About five miles later, I was back on the main road and approaching my destination, Hope Springs Institute. 

Having worked at a non-profit field station similar to this, there was something familiar about the property even though this was my first time here: rustic old cabins that required more maintenance than a tiny non-profit could sustain, a community building where all the classes and events take place, and locally-made artwork sprinkled throughout the buildings and grounds to give the place a hippy, eclectic feel.  

Most importantly, though, were the grounds themself — acres of old-growth forest, hiking trails, meadows bursting with wild flowers and butterflies. 

My soul knew I needed this week, but my brain continued to resist. 

I parked my car next to the ‘office’ cabin and looked at my phone, still no cell service. 

Fuckity fuck fuck fuck, my brain swirling even more, I have client calls all week… their internet better be good. The weight of all my responsibilities felt heavy on my shoulders. 

“Welcome to Hope Springs!” said a woman in her late forties, who was wearing faded blue jeans and a t-shirt that said, “director.” “You are the first to arrive!”

Jill went through all the paperwork and told me I’d be staying in the farmhouse in the midnight room. Before walking out the door, I asked her about the internet situation on the property. 

“Oh! It’s old-fashioned dial up internet!” 

… … … … …

I’m the first person here, my brain continuing to swirl, I could just go home and nobody would ever know. 

Just then, a burnt red minivan turned onto the gravel driveway. I knew my chances of escaping were gone when Philip Shepherd, the leader of the Embodiment Retreat, his wife, and three other participants stepped out of the car. 

… … … … …

The next two days, I could feel myself at war with myself. 

We spent the mornings and afternoons gathered together in the community building. There were 12 of us total from all over the country here to learn The Embodied Present Process that Philip created. We sat in a circle on the floor, propped up by bolsters and blankets, while Philip would guide us through different embodiment exercises designed to help us surrender back into wholeness and feel the power of the present. 

In that room, I could feel my mind let go of all the things and my body drop into the sacred space of the present. The change was palpable. 

And then, I would walk out of the building, check my email and dive back into work. Every evening after dinner, I headed over to the office to take my client calls. Jill said the strongest internet connection was in the office and agreed to let me host my client calls there at night. 

There was so much going on and I have to be responsible were the stories I continued to repeat in my head. 

And with each embodiment exercise, something inside me started to soften.

… … … … …

On day three, I woke up feeling a little lighter. And while I still checked my email before breakfast, I didn’t feel the knee-jerk reaction to respond immediately. 

That morning, Philip said something that caught my attention. He was talking about some of the common blocks that keep us from fully living present and embodied when he mentioned something about ‘responsibility.’ 

I don’t know if he was intentionally speaking directly to me. But, I felt called out. I hadn’t been fully present the past few days because my brain kept telling me I had to be ‘responsible’. 

And then their faces popped into my mind: Jenny and Mark. They were my two best friends who had gone missing in a scuba diving accident over 15 years ago. I was supposed to go with them and I changed my mind. 

    I felt responsible for their death. 

And ever since, I felt like I had to hold on tightly to everything — control it and micromanage it because I was responsible. 

The awareness hit me like a ton of bricks. I so desperately wanted to let go but felt like if I did, the people I loved most would die. 

     I had to be responsible. 

That night at dinner, I shared what showed up around the idea of ‘responsibility’ with Philip. He paused, received my words, and I watched as he waited for the response to come to him. 

“Laura,” Philip said in a deep, grounded voice, “there is a difference between being ‘responsible’ and feeling like you have to hold it all together and being ‘response-able’ which is about being fully present and embodied so that you can respond from a place of wholeness.”

Philip’s words always had a way of landing so that you didn’t just understand them, you felt them. 

I went back to my room and cancelled all my meetings for the rest of the week before I could think my way out of it. I had been holding ‘it’ together for so long in an effort to be ‘responsible’ that I had completely lost my sense of being ‘response-able’. 

My mind was finally ready to fully BE here in this experience. 

… … … … …

On our final full day there, Philip explained to the group that we would each have an opportunity to do the ‘Mirror’ exercise in front of the group before we departed the next day. The exercise looked simple enough — you get into a lunge position with one leg forward and one leg backward and your arms out to the side while reciting a memorized line of text. 

The intention was to go from repeating words in your head to feeling the energy of your body and letting that move the words through you. 

Philip always said, “Present nothing, experience everything.” 

This exercise was all about living the experience of the text, not just presenting the words in a disconnected performance. 

The ‘Mirror’ exercise got its name because Philip would mirror the lung position and reflect back to you where you block yourself from being fully embodied. 

I watched two other participants volunteer to go first. You could see how hard their brains worked to ‘present’ their text and the moment they felt the physical sensations of their bodies, their words had a depth behind them that drew me in and took me on the journey with them. 

When they were done, it was as if their whole being had changed in that exercise. It was as if they found something they were looking for that had eluded them their whole life. 

I immediately raised my hand to go next. It was time to rip off the bandaid. 

Philip smiled and nodded his head just slightly, “Won’t you join me, Laura?” My heart was racing. Even though these people were starting to become friends, I felt like this exercise left me vulnerable. 

He nodded, and I let out a deep sigh and felt my awareness drift down a little lower in my belly. 

“Ahhhhhhh… Who’s to say…. What’s impossible… well they forgot… this… world… keeps… spinning.” 

“You’re going back into presentation mode, Laura,” It was like Philip could see how, even in the annunciation of a word, I was trying to control things and make them perfect. 

I was exposed with nowhere to hide. 

This continued for another five minutes. Back and forth. Line after line. Why the hell had I chosen such a long text? 

My legs were burning and beginning to shake and that’s when Philip leaned in ever so slightly, “Are your legs on fire?” A guttural, “YES,” hissed out of my lips.

“Good,” Philip said, his facial expression matching the hell happening in my arms and legs, “FEEL it.”

Suddenly, tears welled up in my eyes. It was as if, in this moment, someone had finally given me permission to feel everything I had suppressed my entire life — the endless grief of the loss of my friends, the guilt that had torn me up inside, the pressure to be ‘responsible’ and not let anyone down at the expense of myself… all of it welled up in me and a wave of sadness took over me. 

I couldn’t hide it anymore. I couldn’t hold it back. A tsunami of emotion was rising out of me and the only place it could go was out. 

Philip saw the wave and in the softest whisper that only I could hear he said, “Let that energy speak for you.” 

I took a deep breath and sighed out on the exhale. And somewhere, deep within, a voice came charging out of me. She was powerful. She was grounded. She was holy. She was a goddess. She was alive in wholeness. She was the part of me I had suppressed all these years. 

And then she spoke…

“I want to turn the whole thing upside down… I’ll find the things they say… just… can’t… be… found… “ 

I felt like the world was rising up to meet my words. I felt the room lean in and continued, “I’ll share this love… with everyone… we’ll sing… and dance… to mother nature’s song… “

A final tear rolled down my face as the last line came out like a whisper, “I don’t want this feeling to go away.” 

I looked up at Philip, a tear was falling down his cheek. He stood up out of his lunge, signaling that I could do the same. I had almost forgotten that I had been lunging for nearly ten minutes. 

As he leaned in to give me a hug, he softly said, “There you are.”

… … … … …

That night, we all hung out by the bonfire, watching the stars. But what made this night different was that I felt like I didn’t just see the stars… I could feel the stars. I could feel the connection within all of us and through all of us. 

And while I still had more questions than answers, I felt like I had found what I had been looking for for years. 

Before heading to bed, I took one selfie to remember the moment and texted it to my husband. I wasn’t going home a new woman. I was going home an embodied woman.