dear reader,
I’ve been around the block with self-help books, and there is often a chapter in those books around boundaries. In fact, in the BodyMind Coaching program we have a section that focuses on boundaries as well. So, I think it’s clear that in this holistic, body-mind-aware community, we know boundaries are important.
However, setting and establishing boundaries is super hard.
As a way into this issue on navigating boundaries, I’d like to invite you, amazing reader, to think about expectations versus boundaries. Let me share what I mean in a little story. In my neighborhood, there are two dogs down the street that have electronic collars for their invisible fence. Every day, they run out of the house to greet us on our walk, only to be correctd at the edge of their yard. They have a very real boundary of where they can and cannot go. As a dog lover, and as someone who values spaciousness and freedom, I initially thought, “Oh no, those poor dogs! They can’t be free. They are trapped!”
This same thought pattern often takes place when it comes to the difficulty we feel around setting boundaries for ourselves. Sometimes, like the dogs, when I think about boundaries, I feel like I’m trapping myself in, I’m containing myself in some way. In the short term, setting this boundary may be painful, like the quick jolt the dogs feel when they test their boundary that aims to keep them safe and out of the busy street. But, what happens is when I don’t set boundaries, I’m beholden to other people’s expectations of me, and that is what actually traps me.
When I let other people’s expectations of me dictate my choices, muddy my intuitive knowing, and quiet the inner “yes” and “no” I feel in my body, that’s when feelings of frustration and anger show up.
In contrast, creating healthy boundaries allows me to fully show up and contribute at my highest level. I actually get to give more and from a place of abundance versus expectation. Studies have shown that the most generous people have the best boundaries. Dr. Brené Brown shares this in her research on shame, boundaries, and wholehearted living:
“Generosity cannot exist without boundaries.”
So if boundaries are clearly so important, then why don’t we enforce our boundaries more often and with more ease? The reason is pretty simple actually: we seek safety and this primal drive for safety comes from the brain in our head, not from the brains in our body. Because our culture honors the cranial brain ver the body’s brain, we often follow the adage that Charles F. Glassman wrote in Brain Drain, The Breakthrough That Will Change Your Life, where people often seek “short-term gain for long-term pain.” When we continually slough off a rude comment or mistreatment from others or continue to say “yes” to things we really want to (and need to) say “no” to, we perceive a short-term gain, a momentary feeling of goodness, because often we think we’ve pleased someone else in the moment. However, as you’ll read in many of the articles from our Ambassadors this month, we suffer the consequences long-term when we continually stay in people-pleasing mode.
As we practice BodyMind living, and honor our boundaries, there is a sense of risk, yet staying grounded in the boundary allows all parties involved to step forward together.
I’m excited for you to sit and read along as our Ambassadors, each in their own unique way, share their experiences of shifting from only tuning into the cranial brain to truly embodying themselves and the boundaries required to honor that process. You’ll hear them share their experiences with short- term pains in order to receive long-term gains or, really, a long-term dedication to honoring themselves, which in turn truly honors others. I can’t wait to hear your thoughts on this issue, so be sure to follow us @BodyMindLiving on Instagram to join the conversation.
With love, Laura
