On the 21st floor of a five star hotel spa in the heart of Manhattan, I rushed into my treatment room and quickly closed the door behind me. My breathing was intense, my heart beat racing, and my organs were doing cartwheels. My body was screaming “today is the day. You cannot wait any longer.”
I’d been a massage therapist at the hotel spa for six years. This job was considered la crème de la crème of massage therapy jobs.
I was making nearly six-figures, I had paid vacation and sick time, a retirement plan, and it was a union so technically I had a job for life. My family and friends were so proud of me that I finally had a decent paying and secure job. I’d found my box that fit nicely into what society expected of me.
And, I was terribly unfulfilled and unhappy.
I was wearing a pair of golden handcuffs. They were heavy and tight. The side effect was physical, emotional and spiritual exhaustion.
In the midst of just trying to get through each day, there was an internal whisper that kept sharing that I had something else to do here on the planet. On my days off I would spend my time learning about personal development and online business. I had this vision of working virtually so that I could spend big chunks of time visiting friends and family around the globe, and still be doing something I loved for work. I’d started a small private practice on the side and kept saying to myself:
“After the holiday rush will be a good time to let them know I’m leaving.”
“That other therapist is out on medical leave. When they get back, I’ll give notice.”
“When they find a replacement for the therapist who just left, then I’ll tell them so they won’t be struggling for coverage.”
I was waiting until it was convenient for everyone else to go all in on my dream.
If you’re a recovering people-pleaser like myself, shaking up the status quo and disappointing others does not come easily. I’d been thinking about leaving for years! But every time I worked up the courage to go talk to my manager, something came up and I chickened out.
That day, my body decided it was time to take over my decision making process! I had a visceral reaction and together, we declared that it was time to leave.
I mustered up my courage, and asked the manager to come talk with me privately.
As soon as the dreaded 3-minute conversation that I had been waiting to have for years was over, all of those anxious feelings turned into excitement!
I felt freedom!
For months, I’d been experiencing all the signs of burnout. I’d come into work and see my schedule booked-out and feel the pit of dread in my stomach. I was starting to resent my clients because
I was in so much pain. I was resenting the company because of corporate protocol and limitations. I was icing my forearms after every shift, self-medicating with anti-inflammatories and too much wine in the evening. When I did have free time to work on my business, I was too tired.
A few days before I gave notice, I’d experienced a panic attack on the train ride home to Long Island. My hubby had never seen me so anxious and upset. That night we agreed I’d stay six more months while I continued to build my private practice on the side. When I arrived back at work, my body said “That plan actually starts today, honey. Not six months from now!” The decision was clear.
What I’ve come to understand through BodyMind is that most conflicts, both internal and external, can be solved by an uncomfortable conversation. I’ve also learned that the majority of us do not know how to have those uncomfortable conversations with themselves first, so having them with other people becomes increasingly difficult and confusing.
Over the past 13 years as a healer, I’ve seen and felt what happens when we put these conversations off. There comes a moment where our body steps in and takes over. I feel like I got off easy with a panic attack. I’ve seen this play out as heart attacks, cancer, idiopathic illness, divorce, accidents, anxiety and depression, the list goes on.
If we do not listen, our body will tolerate our denial for a while. The longer we suppress its voice, the more dramatic it’s actions are when it is finally allowed to speak.
When you can get honest with yourself about your current circumstances and then cultivate the courage to follow your heart, this is the true definition of radical self-care. It’s treating yourself well at the deepest level — the level of the heart and soul. It’s connected with the whisper that tells you, you have a job to do here on this planet. It’s finding your inner alignment, and moving through the resistance and rationalizations of the mind to follow that alignment.
It starts with getting quiet, quiet enough to listen to that little whisper inside that says “what if?”
What if I started to put some time and energy into believing that I could follow that dream, instead of immediately dismissing it and rationalizing all of the reasons why I can’t?
I believe that radical self-care is taking a chance on yourself, instead of letting others tell you what your life should look like, and when it will be the good time to make a change. How can others possibly know what’s best for you? You are the one living inside your body. You get to feel what you’re feeling. No one else gets that chance. No one else has the same desires and life experiences and ideas that you do!
The thing that amazes me about humans is we have the capability to DREAM, imagine, and connect with the Universe, God, Spirit, Nature — whatever that bigger Source is for you — we get to connect with that and feel it in our bodies!
Yet what happens for most of us after we open our hearts and deeply connect with that vision, we have a voice that says “well that’s a nice dream but here’s all the reasons why I can’t” follow the divine dream that was just given to us.
Most of us accept that critical voice as truth. In reality, this is the voice of fear, judgement, and scarcity.
When you begin to live BodyMind connected, you have the tools to hear that voice, and connect with the deeper pull of the vision underneath it. You learn that true self care is hearing that critical voice and choosing to follow your alignment instead. It’s like having the feeling of a net beneath you at all times — even when life is difficult, and taking the leap.
Leaving that job was the moment I started to feel what alignment meant. From that moment on the feeling was unmistakable in my body. If something felt off, my body was right there to tell me. It was as if my senses were heightened, and I could no longer convince or rationalize myself into making unaligned decisions. My body now had a voice. It was strong, calm and unwavering.
It took some time to fully trust that voice.
A few more similar situations caused me to reflect and say ”I knew that wasn’t a good idea. My body was telling me to do something else and I didn’t listen. This is a chance to deepen my intuitive knowing and trust it.”
It is a reconnection to wholeness that we get to experience. And when we live BodyMind connected, the magic of life gets to come forward.
This process has now become a part of my life. It’s how I make decisions. I’ve followed the feeling, and the vision that was put in my heart, and it just keeps getting stronger.
The life I’m living today feels like a reflection of living BodyMind connected. I went from a 90-minute commute to a job that burned me out to having a virtual coaching practice, and living in Ireland with my husband. As I write this, I’m looking out over the sea watching the dramatic purple clouds roll across the rocky terrain of the Burren and reflect in the water of Galway Bay. I look at my calendar each day and feel excitement for the clients I get to work with and the big projects I get to contribute to! I feel like I’m helping people in the best way I can every day. That is a feeling I hope you get to feel too.
When you can access the truth in your heart and start to have that very real, and sometimes difficult conversation with yourself, and the courage to follow the feeling from that grounded and connected space, you have the ability to make that vision come to life. It’s the inner knowing and acknowledgement of the desire in your heart for something different, and going all-in on yourself to make that vision come to life.
It’s feeling that sense of belonging within yourself and trusting your internal compass to guide you. It’s feeling and thinking in wholeness. And it’s trusting that when you follow the feeling, what lies on the otherside are the dreams and possibilities that become realities when we take a chance on them.
Isn’t that what we are all longing for?
