Fill your own cup first” is utter BS. Absolute garbage.
Now, hold on a second. I understand what is being said: You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others. The messaging of “fill your cup” shows up right alongside the “helpful” reminder that self-care is important. And I used to happily encourage women to do the very same thing.
But it’s dangerous.
Dangerous because this message is almost exclusively for the ladies. You know it is. My partner Mike has NEVER been told “you can’t fill from an empty cup.” The first time he ever actually heard that phrase was when I asked him if anyone had ever said that to him. To which he responded, “Um…no?”
Dangerous because it implies that once we fill our own cups first, we are then supposed to go around and fill everyone else’s cup. Fill it up. Pour it out. Repeat for life.
Dangerous because when we look for our cups to be filled outside of us, we are constantly chasing. Hustling. Disconnecting.
No. No. And no.
As women, leaders, coaches, caregivers, we are taught and rewarded to be out of balance with our wellness. Over-giving, over-delivering, over-functioning is woven into the fabric of our culture. We hear, “Oh she’s so self-less,” and “She’s always putting others first,” and “I just don’t know how she does it all!”
This is code for “out of alignment.” Legit. Stop it. This is not the way forward. It will keep you chasing the next high of someone giving you positive feedback for going against yourself.
What if we get to evolve? What if now that we know we have a cup, we realize/REMEMBER we have a whole well as our Source? Well-being. Wellness. A well-spring of God! Ditch the cup and connect to the Source! We get to be connected to our wellspring through intention, values, daily rituals, support, adventure, and badassery.
What if, here’s an idea…the people in your life have their own SOURCE too? And from now on, it ain’t you.
What is about you, is your self-care.
Self-care for women has been touted as bubble baths and bullshit so we can gear up and serve the world with a smile.. “Fill your cup” nonsense. No thank you. Do you want to ACTUALLY put yourself first?
Let’s look at what REAL AND LASTING self-care requires: Sacred-Rebellion and Boundaries.
Sacred, by definition, is “to make holy.” We must reclaim our self-care by making it holy. Whole. Integrated. Connected to ourselves through our Source/God/ Energy/The Force. And we have to REBEL! Rebel against a status quo that burns us out, pisses us off, and disconnects us from ourselves and our Source, and thereby each other.
How? Boundaries.
We say no.
We say enough.
We say I love you so much that I will be your witness but not your keeper.
We say this is how you do laundry. It’s yours to do now.
We say this is as far as I go.
We say, the line is here and I won’t cross it.
We say I don’t work weekends.
We say, YES! to a life of alignment and values and boundaries and purpose, oh my!
Boundaries are your best friend.
If you desire patience, you need boundaries. If you are creative but feeling stifled, yep, boundaries. If you’re resentful and pissed off all the time…you guessed it..boundaries! If you say, “If I don’t do it, it won’t get done,” you are so far passed your boundaries that you may not know where they are.
Deep breath.
Let’s reframe boundaries:
Boundaries are more for you than anyone else. They tell you when you’ve gone too far and are disconnecting from yourself and Source, which paradoxically can leave you feeling like you’re not doing enough. Cue the burnout cycle of filling your cup with “self-care” and pouring it out again.
Chronically being irritated and overwhelmed by taking care of everyone else at the expense of yourself is not okay. It’s not sustainable. Or healthy. Or kind for that matter. What is kind, is telling the truth. First to yourself and then to the people in your life that need to hear it.
CUE THE BUTS.
But Heidi, I have kids. I have to fill their cups.
Status quo says,
“Be a good mom and do it all.”
When they are new and dependent, of course our resources are allocated in a different way. (And we need to do a better job of holding space and supporting mothers and caregivers so they can tend to the babies!) And as they grow and naturally become more independent, the greatest gift we can give them is the knowing that they ARE Source and they have their own wellspring that they get to connect to and cultivate.
Sacred rebellion and boundaries say: “As a leader in my family, I teach connection and values.”
In our house contribution is a core value. And so, my kiddos (11,10,7) do not do chores. They contribute. They do their own laundry. Contribute to meal prep and clean up. Tidy their spaces to make room for creativity. (Also a core value.)
My definition of parenting is “the transfer of responsibility.” Being able to respond to life and create with it is a gift. I won’t deny them that gift by over-doing and being their sole Source. Their unique well-being and wellness and wellspring is THEIRS. To discover and care for. You go first. Discover and care for yours.
But my partner needs me.
Status quo says, “Be a good partner and do it all.”
You’re right. Your partner does need you. They need you to connect to yourself so you can get the hell out of their way. GET. OUT. OF THE WAY. You actually don’t have to fix your partner. It’s not your job to make sure they do it the right way. (Meaning your way.) Being critical and micromanaging how our partners contribute to our families is a sign of fear and disconnection.
Sacred rebellion and boundaries says: “As I connect fully with myself, I remember that my partner is a whole self too.”
My relationship with my partner Mike was in trouble because I was so used to doing it all that I ended up resentful, pissed, and ready to throw in the towel. It wasn’t until
I STEPPED BACK and connected with myself first that I was able to show up in a partnership rooted in collaboration and true connection.
Want a better relationship with your spouse? You go first. Connect to you.
But my clients are used to me offering Saturday sessions.
Status quo says,
“My clients need me and I have to fit them in, even if I’m over-booked. Or hurting.”
How many of these clients are women who are also over-giving? How many of these women are coming back month after month and NOT getting lasting results? How many are complaining of chronic stress without real solutions?
Sacred rebellion and boundaries says: “The more connected I am to myself, the clearer I am with what I want and how I work best.”
When I made the shift from massage therapist to BodyMind coach, I had many clients who were so upset. They were used to me doing the work for them. They were used to me caring for their bodies.They’d grown accustomed to me giving them all sorts of articles and resources and time that I wasn’t being compensated for. And they still didn’t do the work between sessions.
When I owned my coaching role and started charging for it, the clients that transitioned with me have had life-changing results. They show up because they chose themselves! Self-care! And I get to witness and support and guide.
Want real change for your clients? You go first.
Demonstrate what it looks like to truly take care of yourself by listening to your body’s inner wisdom that says, “That’s too much and I need to change.”
It’s true, change is difficult. Your kids may whine. Your partner may be pissed. Your clients may find another practitioner who will work on weekends at 7pm.
So. Be. It.
You can handle the temporary discomfort of change. You can.
As you tend to yourself, you will find ways to be okay even when others aren’t. You will be guided and reminded and held in the knowing that you are here for your unfolding.
And just so we’re clear, I do believe that for many of us, our unfolding DOES include caring for others, as an EXPRESSION of our connection. It’s through our connection and expression that we create the space for others to step into their fullest expressions of themselves too.
