Finding Ease Through the Fear

I was diagnosed with breast cancer at age 41. 

The call came in from the breast care center saying that I needed to come back; they needed more views and an ultrasound. Everyone told me it would be ok, probably just dense breast tissue. I stepped into the room, disrobed, and they took additional views and led me to another room for the ultrasound. Then I waited for the doctor. He came in, standing to the left of me as I lay on the table in a darkened room. He grabbed my left hand and began talking–words came out of his mouth, but I didn’t understand what he was saying. I heard “carcinoma,” and I knew this was not good. He told me he was sorry, as he tapped my hand with his other hand, then released me, and asked if I had any questions. I meekly responded, “I don’t understand anything you just said.” He stood back, and again, but more quickly repeated everything.

That day I entered, what I now lovingly call, “freshman year at cancer college.” As words were spoken to me on a regular basis that I didn’t know or understand, it was completely overwhelming. 

Surgery options, treatment options, and all the different doctors; there was no way I could keep track, and was assigned a nurse navigator. Yep, the cancer division in the hospital has a group of nurses, called nurse navigators, and all they do is help you move forward, create next steps and keep track of your cancer journey from doctor appointments, treatment appointments, and pre/post surgery appointments to answering any questions that you may have along the way. Because they know it’s overwhelming. I can’t imagine going through cancer without one. This level of support was my first touch of ease in this process, though I definitely wasn’t feeling any ease at that point!

As a fact finder, I had questions and I wanted to research and learn as much as possible so that I could make the best personal decisions.

As I learned the language of cancer, learned about treatments available to me, and made decisions that would impact me for the rest of my life, I reflected on my life. 

In the beginning, being told I had cancer was scary, and I began dissecting my life asking…

Why? 

How? 

What? 

My ego wondered…

Why me?

How did this happen to me? 

How did I get here? 

What is going to happen to my body? 

What is my future self going to look like? Am I going to die from this?

When my treatments started, I was lucky enough to have some wonderful people in my life that helped me heal from the inside out. They worked with me to strengthen my mindset, and be loving to myself, hold space for the anger and grief I was feeling, and embrace everything that was happening to my outer layer. Eventually I began to look at this whole experience through a different lens. I started to find my ease. 

There is a song that one of my healers shared with me during my Reiki treatments with her. It quickly became my mantra as I was receiving any cancer treatment: 

“Every little cell in my body is healthy, every little cell in my body is well,” by Helene and Dave Van Manen.

When I would repeat the lyrics in my head, I would try to smile, even if tears were streaming down my face. I wanted to believe what I was saying. I absolutely wanted to be healthy and well.

Mindset is a powerful thing! It helped me change my entire outlook on my life moving forward.