“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.”
— Dr. Brené Brown
Sometimes it’s easier (or we think it is) to feel achy and uncomfortable, awkward and clunky rather than to set or honor a boundary that needs to be held, or to have a difficult discussion around a boundary. I call this the “I feel bad” moment. It’s that moment of feeling bad about setting and holding the boundary because it may not make someone else feel good or happy about it. But navigating boundaries for me isn’t about avoiding the “I feel bad” moments, but rather more about being so courageous that I create sustainability for myself. I consider this to be my self-care at its highest level.
When it comes to boundaries, people are confused about what kind of boundaries they need in order to survive and live a sustainable life.
What is a sustainable life?
It is my ability to be maintained at a certain rate or level. It is avoiding the depletion of my resources (those natural resources like energy, joy, peace and happiness) in order to maintain balance, and longevity. This sustainability is important for me because it improves the quality of my life, protects and preserves my energy, my body and mind.
My life is always speaking to me in whispers, guiding me to my next right step. That whisper I sometimes refer to as my intuition, the Holy Spirit, my inner knowing, or internal compass.
In many situations, the whisper is also my first warning. It’s the internal nudge I feel deep within me saying, “Something feels off.” A small voice that tells me and warns me that what is happening doesn’t feel good and my intuition in my body is taking notice. My body’s physiology begins to change and expresses itself sometimes like butterflies in my belly, tightness in my chest, pain in my neck and shoulder, shallow breathing, tingling in my face and arms, or a pit in my gut that creates nausea.
Whatever form this whisper and intuition takes I have learned that my body is trying to tell me something. Listening to these signs has helped me to recognize and honor my need for boundaries in all areas of my life. If I ignore my intuition, the whispers, I invite chaos and disruption into my life that can cause it to get out of control. And, that is not pretty or sustainable.
A boundary is a limit of what is and is not ok for you. Boundaries offer me correction and redirection. They allow me to stand in truth, authenticity, and move through the world with intention.
Boundaries help me put myself first.
And when I put myself first, I am sustainable.
They release me from the disease to please others first, and help me avoid the explosion, the crash and burn when a boundary is crossed or non-existent.
Boundaries keep me safe, they are part of my self-care and they strive to keep my relationships, and physical, spiritual, emotional and professional needs in balance, healthy and sustainable.
Sometimes I overstep my own boundaries, but this is not anyone else’s fault but my very own. It is my responsibility to be courageous, do the hard courageous thing and maintain the boundaries. Maintaining my boundaries is good self-care and sustainable living for myself, and it creates ease and positive flow in my life when honored.
A lack of boundaries in any area of my life takes more from my energy than it gives. For example, I once stayed in a relationship that was depleting, added stress, did not feel energetically equal, or aligned, and became dissatisfying. Before I knew it, over time, I was very upset with the person and the situation, which led to resentment. That resentment 100% killed my desire for the relationship and made it unsustainable. It also hindered my full potential.
What helps me feel my best?
The more aware I can be of myself, the more clarity I am going to get for where my boundaries are. By following my guidance towards what feels good, I am more connected to my intuition.
I look at situations that make me feel really good and then compare them to a situation that makes me feel bad. I look inward first to make sure that the boundary is coming from a place of self-care. I then go deeper and ask, “Is that boundary serving me or not?” My boundaries are based on my own work, growth, and self knowledge, rather than someone else’s behavior.
Boundaries are not about punishing or controlling the people around me, they’re about protecting my well-being.
My boundaries have shifted and changed over the course of my life. Setting boundaries has been a continuous act of courage in my ever-changing journey. Marriage, birthing and raising four children, graduations, new jobs, cancer, menopause, and an empty nest. I spent time, I paused, I invested in getting to know myself in all the transitions of life. I just spent time discovering myself. I explored and learned what makes me feel good and and not good, and started to pay attention to those things in my relationships, activities, work and home life. I really tuned into that and how it felt in my intuitive center. I let that be my guide and guidance in terms of all things and relationships. And I believe my whisper will never steer me wrong.
I become familiar with my values and needs. Knowing and connecting with my values helps me recognize myself as an individual aside from others. Over the years I have nurtured my courage so that I do not/will not sacrifice my values for someone else.
How do I set my boundaries?
Recognizing my needs and values was not an easy task and was actually quite hard because I ignored them for so many years and placed them on the back burner.
Investing in coaching to identify and get clear on my values and boundaries has helped me establish very clear and healthy systems. This work was a great starting point for pinpointing my needs in relation to the boundaries I must set to have a sustainable life.
Deep down I know what I need and don’t need, what I like or dislike, what feels good and not good. I’ve had people tell me I’m overreacting and being unreasonable. Phrases like that feel like attempts to test the strength of the boundary I’ve set and am trying to uphold. I’ve learned over time that I don’t need people to be happy about my boundaries. And, I understand that healthy people will respect them.
Above all, setting healthy boundaries takes practice. The single most important tool for me living a sustainable life is setting boundaries. Boundaries protect my physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual well being.
Boundaries keep me healthy. They make me self aware and force me to think twice about why, what, how and when I give of myself, which maintains and sustains my well being.
Healthy isn’t always fun or comfortable. Neither is eating a salad instead of a cheesy pizza with all the toppings, but I am better for it. It sets a very positive message to myself that I am healthy, I am worthy and that makes my life sustainable.
I always say that the actions we take and the choices we make are how we communicate to ourselves on a cellular and energetic level about what kind of life we want and also how we feel about ourselves.
If I let others overstep my boundaries I feel like a doormat physically and psychologically, which makes me resentful, bitter, and cranky. And this resentment steals my joy. And when my joy is gone, my kindness, love, gentleness, happiness, health, body and mind become unsustainable over time. But, each time I take a step in enforcing and holding my boundaries, I am communicating to my mind, body and spirit that I am strong and worthy.
Boundaries are easier to set the more connected I am to my intuition and follow the guidance of what feels good.
Are you following the guidance of your intuition?
What do you need to become aware of within yourself to set a boundary that will bring you more sustainability?
Remember, boundaries are the invisible fences of our lives that are a core part of how we protect and sustain our well-being as we move through the world.
what boundary do you need to change to receive more joy?
