Making the Choice to Commit to Myself

I can feel it now. The tightness in my chest, the mind swirling, the overwhelming fear that takes hold when I find myself going into a panic attack, one of the many downsides of having Generalized Anxiety Disorder. In my head, I am telling myself things like:

Here we go AGAIN!

Jaimee, you are just being ridiculous!

Why can’t I just get control over myself?

This is downright scary!

Aaaaagggghhhhhhhh!!!!!

The truth is, I have learned, that in these moments I just need to let myself be, allow myself to process, and allow myself to recenter and find my presence.

I used to be one of those people who thought they needed to have everything in life planned out, along with a plan B, C, D, E all the way through Z for each scenario. I felt that I needed to be in control of every aspect of my life, and when things didn’t work out the way I expected them to, I sat and analyzed everything that happened and wondered what I could have done differently. Living that type of lifestyle takes a toll on you mentally, emotionally, and physically. Your body can only take so much before it begins to rebel.

Woody Allen once said “If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans,” and there aren’t any truer words spoken.

The thing is we truly have no control over anything in life. So, how do you learn to just be in the moment, to just claim your presence and not feel as though you need to control everything? I had to learn how to do this the hard way.

Almost three years ago now, I had the equivalent of what would be called a nervous breakdown. This was something that had been building for a few years as my anxiety continued to grow from toxic relationships, a workplace that I was not happy in, financial woes, family drama, the list can go on. I didn’t want to believe that I had a problem. I kept thinking that I could handle everything. I felt like I was supposed to do it all on my own and not ask for help. I kept letting the little things pile up, and I would obsess about them for days, weeks, and months. In the time leading up to the breakdown, I began forming insomnia, allowing my temper to get the best of me, and just felt completely alone in the world. Whenever I tried to describe what I was feeling, the words did not form right or the people whom I was talking with made me feel as though I was crazy, so I just quit talking.

I have been fortunate enough to be born and raised in a piece of Pennsylvania that is adequately nicknamed God’s Country because of the serene nature that it is located in. Admittedly, I sometimes take all of the wonders of my area for granted because it is always here, but the times when I truly need to check out and recenter myself, I have nature’s playground out my back door. Now, anytime I begin to feel overwhelmed by the burdens and obstacles that life can sometimes hand us, I take my time to escape and hit the trails with my dog.

Once I am in the woods, I forget all about the lost car keys, the plumbing issues, or how I am going to manage all that is on my plate. The woods begin to envelop me as I take in the smells of the damp soil, listen to the chirp of the birds, and spy a deer or squirrel in my path or an eagle soaring above me. I take time to gaze up at the sky and get lost in the blue or watch the clouds change formation. I feel the soft earth beneath my feet and hear the crinkle of last fall’s leaves. I stop thinking about all of the little burdens; I stop trying to make all the plans and just reconnect with my heart.

Once I am connected with my heart, that is when the magic begins to happen.

That is when the swirls begin to dissipate. 

That is when my mind begins to look at the possibilities versus the gremlins. 

That is when I allow my dreams to begin to mold into shape. 

That is when I am feeling completely right with the world.

This is when I recognize that control is really the opposite of what I want or need.

For years, I have lived by the motto, “One day at a time, one moment at a time” as a reminder to not live by the checklists, the plans or to analyze everything that seemed to have not worked out accordingly. Learning to listen to my heart is still a fairly new concept for me, as I never quite knew how to tap into it until a few years ago. The process is far from neat and tidy, and there are still days when I struggle with it. There are still days when I turn molehills into mountains, there are still days when I overthink, and there are still days when I think that I actually have control. I still question myself and wonder if I am doing enough for my family, for my friends, for my clients and for myself. I still listen to the old gremlins that are in my head that like to reappear now and again, reminding me of all of my fears that I thought that I had overcome.

I am learning to be comfortable in the uncomfortable. 

I am learning that uncomfortableness equals growth, and boy, have I grown the last few years.

Has this been an easy process? NO! Learning to truly look into myself to find the cause of why I always want to be in control of every situation, intimately getting to know my fears, gremlins, and demons, and learning how to put them aside and “just be” is not the easiest process. It is a daily practice that I will never perfect. No one ever perfects life. There are still days when I wish I could stick my head in the sand and pretend everything is ok, like I used to do. Then, I remember that overwhelming feeling of my body rebelling and know that is something that I never, ever want to experience again.

Not being present in the moment and living in my head costs me. It costs me relationships, it costs me happiness, and it costs me my sanity for a short period of time. Are you like me? Are you constantly living in your head? What is that costing you? What is the first small step you can take to begin living the opposite kind of life? 

For me, my first step was deciding that I didn’t want to live like that anymore. It was deciding that I wanted happiness in my life and deciding to make some tough choices to gain that happiness. It required me finding my voice, it required me forming boundaries, it required me to step outside of my comfort zones, and it required me learning to listen to my body. I learned how my body speaks to me in extreme situations. Now, I am learning how my body sends me clues regularly, and I’m learning to listen to them. It required me to make the choice to commit to me. Are you ready to commit to yourself?