“Take it slowly. This book is dangerous.” Fox in Socks by Dr Seuss
This article could be a bumpy ride. It may or may not “make sense,” and I’m okay with that.
I’ve been dreading this moment since I heard about it.
“And finally, we’re going to write about navigating joy!”
I’m sorry — WHAT????
Navigating Change? Easy.
Navigating Stillness? I crave stillness.
Navigating Boundaries? That’s like a love language for me.
Navigating Fear and Uncertainty? Hah. So familiar.
But Navigating Joy? JOY?????
I don’t even know what that is.
How that feels.
How do you navigate something you don’t have context for?
So… like any “good student” I looked it up.
Joy (noun)- a feeling of great pleasure and happiness.
Well, that doesn’t help. Happiness also eludes me. Pleasure at least feels familiar.
So I got curious and dug deeper.
“What if I look at joy vs happiness? Surely that will give me some clarity.”
Apparently the general consensus is that happiness depends on external factors. It is an emotion that happens to you and you can’t make a decision to consciously feel it. And, joy is a choice you intentionally make and can co-exist with other emotions, whereas happiness can not co-exist. Happiness won’t be around during hard times, while joy never leaves. Happiness needs an external cause while joy is more of an internal sense of peace and connection. Joy is an attitude and happiness is a destination
At least, that’s what I read. In a few places. Notice how it seems to contradict the dictionary definition? Yep. I’m still confused. *Sigh*
I imagine I’m not the only one who doesn’t understand what joy means.
I can’t be alone, can I?
If I went out and asked 100 people what joy means to them, I’d likely get 100 different answers and some of those would actually fall under “happiness.”
Here’s something I do know. Authenticity is one of my core values and I don’t feel like I have an authentic relationship with joy or happiness.
There is an emotional depth and understanding that feels absent for me. This doesn’t mean it’s impossible for me to build. It’s simply not a relationship I’ve developed (or maybe even opened myself up to) thus far in my life.
Yes, I have moments of what I consider joy or happiness. I love to be goofy and silly. I can laugh so hard that I can’t breathe, sometimes at seemingly ridiculous things. I openly smile and love deeply and often engage others in hopes of sharing some of that energy with them. I derive deep satisfaction and feel warm and full when I notice that I’ve contributed to someone else finding their joy, happiness, and pleasure in the world. All of those things feel incredible.
And yet none of those really last. They are tiny moments. Ships passing through the night.
These feel good moments come in like a tsunami and leave behind a flood of disappointment.
Joy feels temporary and unsustainable, like a blip of relief in the harder realities of everyday life. And, the more vivid the moments are when it does show itself, the more deeply the disappointment hits when it inevitably retreats back to invisibility.
There is this sense in the world that joy is something we “should” feel or want to feel. That if it isn’t present, we should chase after it and conquer it. That we are somehow incomplete if joy isn’t present. In fact, when I shared with friends about how challenging I find writing this, I noticed a bit of “fixing” energy and straight up confusion over the idea that I don’t really relate to joy. Questions came up around times when I clearly must have felt joy and how I bring joy to others with things that I do and share. How could joy not feel authentic for me when I bring joy to others?
It’s true. I’m quite skilled at supporting others in discovering and honoring both moments and larger undercurrents of joy in their life. In fact, I love it. I love to witness joy in others. It is a time when I feel great satisfaction and even feelings of joy. (Or maybe that’s happiness because it comes from the external? I don’t have the answer to this.)
And yet, I refuse to chase joy for myself because chasing something merely because I’ve been told I should want it feels inauthentic.
It feels like living a lie. I’m not willing to live in an energy of chasing anyone or anything in my life. I want to feel aligned and true to myself. I want to honor myself and my feelings in the moment without trying to label every emotion.
It feels like happiness is often weaponized in our culture as a way to get people to do things we want them to do. Statements like “Oh look! You’re so good! You did the dishes and I’m so happy!” have the underlying message that you are lovable and “good” when making others happy. And then there’s advertising with the persistent message of “Buy this product/service so you can be happy!” Things like weight loss, plastic surgery, Botox, and dying your hair all fall prey to these messages. And because joy and happiness are so often grouped together, doing these things should lead to joy as well, right? Isn’t that the message? There are so many layers to the pressure.
Which leads me right back to… how do I navigate something that feels so foreign to me? Something for which I have minimal points of reference? And, do I really have to navigate it at all? That’s like asking me to go lead a session of Congress! I have no background, experience, or even desire around that and I am highly underqualified.
What if this habit of trying to label all these emotions, including joy, is in fact limiting our “feeling spectrum” from what is possible to what feels comfortable? It seems like we are so busy looking for things to feel easy and defined, to avoid tough questions, that we are limiting ourselves to what feels “known” and not honoring what may be possible.
We are quick to label things, including emotions, in an effort to understand and make them known. In a way to create connection and also as a way to grasp a sense of control.
What if the beauty is in the undefined? In opening ourselves to live within a life spectrum without labels and simply experiencing what we feel, notice, and think for ourselves? Might this start with the emotional spectrum and really BEING with how we are feeling and FEELING it as opposed to slapping a name on it for some sense of understanding and control?
What is possible when we shift and open that space for ourselves to truly EXPERIENCE ourselves and our joy, sadness, fear, uncertainty, stillness, and everything else that is begging to feel seen and heard in the body?
Yes, I know that’s a lot of questions. No, I don’t have all the answers.
The biggest permission we can give ourselves and others is to feel what we feel, whatever that is, without judgement or labels, and just BE with ourselves. Right there. In the moment.
How would it feel to release the pressure that dictates you should want to… need to… live in states of joy and happiness? To give yourself permission to not even know what joy is and to simply feel what you feel when you feel it from a place of openness, love and acceptance for what you are experiencing?
For me, that would feel freeing and like I am taking back the power and ownership of my life from societal pressures and expectations.
There is definitely a joy in that.
