Dear Best Friend

Recently, while cleaning out some closets, I came across a box filled with old photos, awards, and report cards from my childhood. As I took some time to look through the box and reminisce, I noticed a common theme in the teacher’s notes on the back of the report cards from my early elementary years. “Jaimee talks too much,” “Jaimee is a chatterbox,” “Jaimee likes to talk with her classmates when she should be paying attention.” 

I remember as a child I always wanted to be the center of attention, whether it was showing off my poor acrobatics after watching gymnasts on television, performing solo acts at family gatherings, or taking the Sears Wish Book into a living room full of the hunters that my grandmother boarded to show them what I wanted for Christmas. In school, I was constantly being scolded for talking too much, being told to turn around in my seat. and being told to pay attention. I remember being a bit of a social butterfly and trying to be friends with all of my classmates both in the classroom and during recess. I had a “No Holds Barred” mindset and stood my ground when I felt challenged or upset.

This made me wonder how I grew up to be almost the complete opposite and where in life I began to lose my voice… and then I remembered that fateful day.

My mom grew up in an abusive, alcoholic family. A family that up until recent years, had a lot of dysfunction because of their history. My grandfather had gone through rehab when I was young. I did not see much of this, but it was still there. Since I believed that the dysfunction was “normal,” I didn’t think much of it in my childhood years. However, when I was 12 years old, my mom married a man, much like her father and the kind man her father had been prior to getting sober. Two years later, that man literally threw my mom and I out of “his” home in a drunken rage with nothing except a few clothes that we were able to quickly throw into a backpack.

For many kids at that age, they will go into a rebellious stage following something like that; me, on the other hand, I turned in towards myself. I didn’t want to be seen or noticed, so I hid in corners and became as quiet as a mouse. My goal in life was not to disturb or upset anyone.

I just wanted to disappear.

During these years, when I retreated within myself, I lost my ability to speak what I was thinking or feeling. I held it all deep inside. As I grew older and thought that I had put those years behind me, I tried to become the little chatterbox that I had once been, but reversing the acts of a wallflower are not quite as easy as turning into one. The anxiety of being judged or not being enough plays a huge role now, too, and the fact that I never truly processed all of those years of emotions didn’t help matters either. 

As an adult, just a few years ago, all of those feelings that I held inside for so long came flooding out when a break up turned into months of crying, tremoring, heart palpitations and insomnia. It wasn’t necessarily the loss of the relationship, it was the way that it had happened that brought back that sense of abandonment that I had been struggling with most of my life. I knew I needed to find a way to release these feelings in a healthy way, so I brought back an old adolescent habit, pulled out a notebook, and began journaling. 

This time, instead of talking about the cute boy I had a crush on that I was afraid to talk to or the C that I got on my Geometry test, I began writing out everything that was inside of me, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

All of the emotions that I held trapped for so many years released through the floodgates.

Since then, I have made the effort to journal on a regular basis. To get those emotions out that I may not even realize that I am feeling, to let it all out and not repress them. I don’t think when I am writing, I just allow the words to flow out of me. Some days I have a lot to share and others I only have a sentence or two. The point is this: I allow myself to just get whatever is in my heart out onto the page.

Through journaling, I began to reclaim my voice.

Through journaling I began to figure out who I really am deep down inside, as I had spent many years twisting and turning myself to be the person I thought everyone else wanted me to be. 

Through journaling, I became stronger. 

Through journaling, I became okay with who I am.

Through journaling, I found me!

The act of working out so many of these emotions for myself allowed me to begin to feel more comfortable with who I am, and to open up to share what I was feeling with others. And, it made me want to share my stories with others who may be feeling the way I once had. I began to feel like it was ok to express myself. I began to understand that I will not burden others by asking for help. 

I may never become the chatterbox that I once was again, and I may never fully regain the voice that I once had as a child, but there has been growth and growth is one thing in life that should never, ever stop.

Please enjoy this video where Jaimee guides you through a powerful Lion’s Breath Technique